How to Manage Disappointment

Early in 1982, I went to the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., to research the subject of success. I found over 1,200 books under that category. In addition there were 220 titles on the subject of winning with only 16 on losing. I began to wonder whether failure was indeed the natural opposite of success, and concluded that, when success was absent, disappointment was the more common state.

When I went back to the computer, reasoning that disappointment was probably the most common human emotion after love, I anticipated a good month’s work to sift through all the published material. It came as an enormous surprise when not one single title appeared. Instead there was only one magazine article, “The Management of Disappointment,” by Dr. Abraham Zaleznik (The Harvard Business Review, Nov./Dec. 1967, pp. 59-70).

Dr. Zaleznik, the son of a Philadelphia produce market owner, studied the inner workings of the business world as a director of five companies, including the Ogden Corporation, Purity Supreme and Pueblo International.

Dr. Zaleznik, who holds a doctorate in commercial science, approaches the subject of disappointment from a unique vantage point. He is, in fact, a certified clinical psychoanalyst, one of the few who make psychoanalytic thought and concepts accessible to business leaders and managers.

He taught at the Boston Psychoanalytic Society, is professor emeritus at Harvard University Graduate School of Business Administration and held the Konosuke Matsushita Professor of Leadership. From 1967 to 1983 he was the Cahners-Rabb Professor of Social Psychology of Management, Harvard Business School.

His concern for the individual in an organization is reflected in his penetrating books (Power and the Corporate Mind, Houghton Mifflin, 1975; Orientation and Conflict in Career, Harvard, 1975; Human Dilemmas of Leadership, Harper & Row, 1966) and many articles (see Harvard Business Review: “Managers and Leaders,” May/June 1977, and “The Management of Disappointment,” Nov./Dec. 1967).

We met with Dr. Zaleznik in his Harvard University office, where we talked about the management of disappointment.

PSP: What does disappointment mean?

Zaleznik: Let’s start with a superficial definition. You want something, you don’t get it, the result is disappointment. But disappointment is not simply the result of not getting what one wants or expects. We need to examine what it is about that want that grabs a psychological bite. What a person wants often has enormous unconscious value and, consequently, not getting it takes on a great deal of significance. The psychological event of disappointment may lead the individual to fall back on himself and discover that the world and his place in it has no meaning.

PSP: So you are saying that not getting what we want is not necessarily the key issue, it’s the unconscious meaning we attach to these wants that creates the disappointment.

Zaleznik: Right. Let’s say a person charges a business venture with certain unrealistic dreams. Not getting what he wants can lead to disappointment, and so can getting what he wants.

When a person finally gets what he has been working so hard for and sees that his unconscious dreams aren’t realized, the result will be a tremendous disappointment.

PSP: What are the most common misconceptions people have about disappointment?

Zaleznik: One, that it is bad. Two, that if we are disappointed, we are not supposed to show it. Business is preoccupied with success. The world loves a winner, nobody likes a loser. So, people expect that they have to come on with the bright, cheerful, upbeat mask. It takes a great deal of courage to be able to think, to experience what’s going on, but at the same time recognize that nobody has a lot of sympathy.

PSP: So disappointment should not be viewed as negative and it isn’t equal to failure.

Zaleznik: No, it doesn’t equal failure. Once it is seen in positive terms, I think people are then prepared to learn a great deal from the experience.

PSP: Do positive thinkers prevent, avoid or deny disappointment?

Zaleznik: There are various types of positive thinkers. There are some who have deep faith – like Dr. Norman Vincent Peale. I don’t know him personally, but I believe that he views that God has put him here to do something. That is a powerful belief that can sustain a person for a long time. He has a mission to accomplish in life and there is no such thing as disappointment in the sense that the mission doesn’t go away. Therefore, if you’re lost, it simply means you haven’t gotten there yet.

PSP: You said that there are different types of positive thinkers.

Zaleznik: There are some positive thinkers who “think positive” because it pays. There is a market for it. They have good marketing sense. They appeal to a wide range of fantasies. Positive thinking is part of the national character. If you don’t like your job, you leave it and go elsewhere; if things don’t work out there, you go someplace else.

PSP: It is part of the American dream.

Zaleznik: There are also those in the field of self-improvement who say that if you change the way you think about life and situations, it’s going to get better and everything will work well.

PSP: Is that realistic?

Zaleznik: It serves as a valuable myth for people who believe it. But it may not necessarily lead people to deal with the realities of whatever they are good at. The criticism I would have of certain positive thinkers is that they don’t always understand that people have to develop disciplines and talents. Some are even holding out a false promise that it’s easy: If I believe hard enough, I could become it. What nonsense!

PSP: Are you saying that a positive thinker should spend more energy in developing the talents necessary to achieve?

Zaleznik: If you spend so much time attached to the dream and no time figuring out what it is that you are capable of doing, you are bound to get disappointed. Instead of improving your talents, you are living with an illusion. That’s my objection to positive thinkers. In life you need courage, but you don’t need illusion.

PSP: How would you define courage?

Zaleznik: Courage is the willingness to look at life as it is, to look at yourself as you are, and to come to terms.

PSP: What are the most common reactions to disappointment? Are there certain stages people go through?

Zaleznik: Many people get depressed, which is not entirely bad. There is also a predepressive reaction, a manic episode, in which people become hyperactive. It’s a very dangerous time when they make rotten decisions and usually get themselves into trouble. They are better off getting depressed. To understand the true nature of depression you have to understand rage. I won’t say anger, because when there is a quantitative effect, it becomes rage. If you want to talk in terms of stages of disappointment, we would simply be looking at the transformations of rage.

PSP: Rage directed at…?

Zaleznik: Rage toward oneself for falling short. The enormous shame or humiliation that one has not measured up to the ego ideal (image of the ideal self). Rage directed at others who didn’t fulfill, rage at those who are withholding. I think that with all the openness in this society about sexuality, the big ugly secret is about rage. In this sense, disappointment becomes a particularly significant experience, because people don’t know what to do. They are not familiar with the experience of anger, or rage. They don’t know how to simulate it and deal with it. In our society the emphasis is on teamwork, on getting along. So there is little room for dealing with disappointment.

PSP: How can we deal with it?

Zaleznik: You can begin by accepting a kind of passive moment in connection with the disappointment. Withdraw from the battle. I don’t mean to give up your job or family, but make a kind of psychological retreat. Allow yourself to deal with the experience. There are two ways people react to psychological difficulties: One kind of person tends to interact with others, the other kind begins to think. I think that the latter person has more going for him in the long run.

PSP: How can professional salespeople minimize the risks of suffering disappointment?

Zaleznik: It’s an interesting issue, because selling takes a curious combination of desire and motivation, but it also takes a very realistic understanding of what you are selling, to whom and for what purpose. You have to get that in a proper balance or one characteristic drives out the other. One of the things that I judge to be very important is not to mistake success and failure as being loved and not loved. If salespeople personalize selling in these terms, then their self-esteem is on the line. They set themselves up for disappointment. If I were in selling, I would try to get that under control.

PSP: What would you consider good preventive measures?

Zaleznik: I would develop expert knowledge about the product, the customer, the market and the competition. I would look at these facts realistically, examine the pluses and minuses, and then be prepared to sell under those terms. I would not think of the sale just as the product of a winning personality. On the other hand, I realize that you have to have a lot of motivation to go out and sell.

PSP: How would you deal with a customer’s disappointment?

Zaleznik: I would try to sort out what the prospect expects from the product and deal with that prior to the sale. I think a good salesperson tries to do a very good job examining what a prospect needs to accomplish with the product. Also, experience will tell you what people are looking for and what illusions they bring with them. Effective selling takes a very good sense of how the world works. It also takes self-knowledge.

PSP: Where would you put the emphasis?

Zaleznik: On both.

PSP: This requires a lot of thinking.

Zaleznik: Yes. One of the great virtues of the human mind is that you can think in relatively inexpensive terms. Action is always very expensive. Why not get the maximum mileage out of experience by thinking about it and doing less? There is no charge for thinking.

PSP: You once wrote that preoccupation with success may be less important than the role of disappointment in the evolution of a career.

Zaleznik: Yes. I believe that both the great strengths and weaknesses of gifted leaders often hinge on how they manage disappointments, which are inevitable in life. There are a number of studies and psychological biographies that support this conclusion.

PSP: How about the role of drive and ambition in disappointment?

Zaleznik: I think you could make an analogy with golf. The more ambitious you are, the more difficulties you may experience with the game. Perhaps the most effective people are those who modify ambition. Ambition is different from drive. Drive is the desire for mastery, competence, ability and honing one’s talents. Ambition is essentially a blind impulse. Instead of trying to work at what you are doing and to be better at it, one projects a lot of energy toward vague goals.

PSP: Where does the healthy drive end and burning ambition begin?

Zaleznik: The healthy drive ends when you can’t tolerate waiting. Burning ambition is filled with impatience. One is torn and restless. But for some people, it’s just a fact of life. I wouldn’t try to change them, that’s the way they are. There is a powerful engine in the human being that can lead to great achievement. People often ask if it’s analyzed, what will happen. My response to that is, nothing will happen, if there is real talent there.

PSP: Let’s assume that a person has real talent and works himself to the top. Let’s also assume that that person has no unrealistic dreams connected to his goals. Do you feel that this talented and ambitious person will be lonely at the top?

Zaleznik: This is a myth. It’s not lonely at the top. Power can be very therapeutic and I think that people at the top have the greatest life. Don’t feel sorry for them. Of course, there is envy, but that’s very small compared to the riches one can enjoy in a position of accomplishment.

Get Out of the Disappointment Trap

Disappointment can be separated into two major categories: global disappointments (the serious kind) and everyday disappointments.

When people get depressed, professional help (from a psychiatrist, psychologist, or mental health center) is essential. Everyday disappointments are opportunities for personal growth.

1. Establish New Priorities Stop running. Think. Review your experience. If you are alone, put it on paper. If you have access to a good friend, talk it over.

2. minimize Your Exposure One major source of disappointment is unrealistic expectations. We often over-estimate what our abilities can do, what money can do, what authority can do, what contracts can do, and what other people will do for us. Disappointment in expectations helps us learn about the practical opportunities in life. Unrealistic self-expectations can lead to unnecessary disappointments.

3. increase Your Resistance One key way to lower your chances for suffering disappointment is to increase your ability to tolerate love and hate and avoid confusing them with indifference. How? Through commitment. Why? If your commitment to your job, your mission, or your goal is the global reason for deploying your energies, then love or hate do not become the personal reasons for doing something. Commitments can transform the roadblocks of love and hate into clear pathways.

4. put the Odds in Your Favor Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Monitor your expectations. Know your abilities and their limits. Increase your tolerance for love and hate. Keep your eyes open to your dreams. Renew your commitments every day. Learn to accept other people’s negative feelings. Accept your vulnerability. Think.

Bottom Line: Accept disappointments as growth experiences. Learn from them, or you’ll sidestep growth by becoming cynical. Cynicism is the scar tissue of unresolved disappointment.

Dr. Jack G. Schoenholtz is medical director of Rye Psychiatric Hospital Center, Rye, N.Y., and clinical associate professor of psychiatry, New York Medical College.